Friday Feature: NSFW! The 10 Hottest Scenes in Film History

I’ve argued before that sexiness is a part of great cinema, and if there is one thing that will get people talking it is those particular scenes in those most infamous of films. It may well be just an excuse to get porn up on a big screen, but a well-shot sex scene from Roeg or Cronenberg can get you going more than the filthiest of Gonzo porn and even the most prudish of people will remember an artful sex scene long after they’ve forgotten the most intriguing of angles. As such, this week’s Friday Feature is dedicated to those sections of your DVDs that start to skip with wear from over pausing. We present the ten hottest scenes in film history:

1) Desperado –  Spurring her on

I promised that this would be an unbiased piece about the hottest scenes, not just the ones that get me randy personally. As such, I wanted all three sexualities to be represented; and also there can be little doubt that a lot of men and women find this scene floats their boat. The kissing scene where Ledger almost broke Gyllehaal’s nose is worthy of a mention, but the tent scene pips it to the post…just….

5) Bound – I can see again

http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/152550/hottest_scene_ever_jennifer_tilly_gina_gershon.swf

The instant reaction is to sigh and mumble something about men and lesbian fantasies, however lesbian or not, this scene is hot, and it’s obvious why. The Wachowskis actually hired renowned lesbian sexpert Susie Bright as a consultant to make the scene authentic. They also filmed it in a sort of slow-and-sultry low-tech version of bullet time. Not to mention, Jennnifer Tilly and Gina Gershon doing the crotch handango… nice…

6) Wild Things – After tonight, the three of us are not to be seen together ever again

http://embed.break.com/Njc5NDM=

This scene typifies this entire film; it’s cheesy, it’s tacky, it’s exploitative, but somehow it is also an amazing thriller. Denise Richard’s stunning assets take centre stage as they are dowsed in champagne by Neve Campbell… there is nothing bad about that sentence….

7) The Talented Mr Ripley – The bath

Another one for the girls. Jude Law relaxes in a warm bath while the clearly-besotted Matt Damon gently splashes the water. Law is aloof, but is clearly teasing the poor boy. Then Law spoils it all by revealing his skinny arse; but hey, whatever gets you going….

8) Walkabout – Skinny dipping

http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/video/xan1bp

So fond a memory for so many men of a certain age. The key here is, again, surprise. Having watched young “schoolgirl” Jenny Agutter strop and sulk her way around the outback wreathed in sexual tension for what feels like hours, suddenly she’s a fully-grown, bare-buttock naked woman and flailing around a billabong while her pre-teen brother perves on, intercut with an aborigine butchering livestock. It’s one of those scenes your brain can’t quite grasp on the first viewing…

9) Last Tango In Paris – Where’s the Lurpak?

http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/1399620/backdoor_behavior_with_butter.swf

The original, the legendary, the dairy-based; there’s a lot in this film that pushes the envelope, from Maria Schneider’s monologue about her first orgasm to Brando’s violent and personal outbursts serving as foreplay. Nevertheless, the butter scene remains one of the most controversial in film history. Just don’t try it at home….

10) Mulholland Drive – Self-hate-fuck

http://www.vidivodo.com/VideoPlayerShare.swf?u=BFRGQltDWhI=

I’m sure many will maintain that I am insane for not choosing the scene where Laura Harring and Naomi Watts get it on, but I think that scene is rather obvious. The opening to the film’s epilogue again has that shock factor as you realise that everything you’ve seen so far may well just be Watts’ twisted masturbatory fantasy. The emotion of utter hopelessness she portrays as she frigs herself on her couch possesses a powerful and sexy edge of self destruction.

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Monday Movie: It’s A Wonderful Afterlife

It is always applaudable when ethnic minorities are addressed; particularly when it is the minority group themselves doing the addressing. However, good intentions cannot disguise the multitude of sins that It’s A Wonderful Afterlife unleashes on the screen.

The film’s opening gambit is a Se7en pastiche, where an unseen killer forces a man to eat a curry at knife point; a curry so hot it causes the man’s stomach to explode all over the A&E room he is taken to. This Fast Show-esque buffoonery is a sorry sign of things to come.

The “Curry Killer” continues to strike, particularly against those who wrong young Roopi, the single daughter of an Indian widow resident to the Southall area of London. Through a contrived series of circumstances, the ghosts of the Killer’s five victims unite to help said widow marry off her daughter, hopefully to a local copper who is torn between his love of Roopi and his ambition to please his bosses who consider her the prime suspect. If you think this sounds confused and overcooked, then you need to be made aware that this is nothing compared to the sheer insanity of this film.

The pacing makes the story feel like it is being told by a toddler: “this happened, and then this happened, AND THEN this happened, and then there was a dinosaur…!” Not really… but it would not be out of place in this confused mess.

The film’s saving grace is that it has an amazing cast that reads like a who’s who of English Asian actors: there’s Jimi Mistry, the dashing Sendhil Ramamurthy from Heroes, Sanjeev Bhaskar from Goodness Gracious Me and even her from Eastenders at the minute; ably backed up by Mark Addy from The Full Monty, Happy-Go-Lucky Sally Hawkins and My Family and Harry Potter’s  Zoë Wanamaker… not that any of them have anything to do… Nevertheless, they all appear to be having a simply marvellous time, so much so that they forget to offer anything for the audience.

It’s not that this is a completely awful film, it’s not even that memorable, but if Bollywood wants to enter the mainstream then it needs more than this sub-Carry On rubbish to do so.

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Friday Feature: 10 Pimped-out Movie Cars You Want To Own by @destroytheearth

I’m sure you’ll be expecting me to whiffle on about Steve McQueen’s Mustang for a few hundred words. As much as I could, that would be rather pedestrian. No, films are about fiction and fantasy, so it is far more fun to consider the cars you cannot ever have because they exist only in a fevered imagination and a flurry of visual effects. What follows is a list of ten desirable cars that exist only in films, using reality as little more than a template upon which to build the ultimate pimped-out ride.

So, without further ado, cue the music….

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1) The Tumbler – Batman Begins

Each generation has had its own Batmobile. A vehicle desired by children and childmen alike. Yet, until Christopher Nolan, no-one had built one that looked like it could actually work, rather than just being a weird-shaped car with slightly-camp fins taped on. Part tank, part sports car, with built-in missile launchers, chain guns and jumping facility; you know you want one, after all, chicks love the car.

2) The Delorean – Back To The Future Part II

The very idea of pimping a Delorean is insane genius, but a time-travelling Delorean is fuelled by sheer joy. Yet, a flying, time-travelling Delorean fuelled by household rubbish? Well, the joy becomes surplus and there is much to go around.

3) Audi RSQ – I, Robot

A film that was hated on release, yet a re-assessment on DVD may find much to redeem it; we should have known Proyas wouldn’t let us down completely. One of the greatest targets of criticism for the film was its legendary level of product placement; nonetheless, that still managed to give us this car, which forever solves the issue of parallel parking by having spheres instead of wheels and comes complete with an auto-drive function. Not to mention: pretty.

4) Frankenstein Ford Mustang – Knight Rider 2010

I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that you’ve never seen this “film”. I maintain that the pilot for this never-optioned reboot of the original Knight Rider TV show qualifies as Day Hollywood Stood Still territory as it was released as a 90-minute TV movie and it needs to be recommended to as many as possible as it is awesome. I spent large amounts of my childhood trying to decide if I wanted the bad guy’s car that was made from the remains of an F117 Night Hawk Stealth Bomber or the new Kitt, which resembled a Mad Max-style Frankensteined Ford Mustang. The hero’s car won out, however, mainly due to the fact that it came complete with an onboard hologramatic Hudson Leick, who could be accessed via virtual reality for brief periods of sexy time.

5)  Amphibious Lotus Esprit – The Spy Who Loved Me

It wasn’t the first Bond gadget car by any means, but it remains the most ostentatious. An oil slick, rockets and a built-in submarine mode that can be accessed at the flick of a lever, and all in a rather swish retro sports car. Dashing.

6) Anti-vampire Dodge Charger – Blade

It was established for us by Kris Kristofferson in the original Blade that this car had a suped-up engine, but only in the final part of the trilogy did we realise the full Bond-style gadgetry of this vampire-slaying tool. We have a nitro-boost, bullet-proof windscreen, ultra-violet headlights, built-in shotgun holster and the convenience of deployment from the back of a juggernaut, Knight Rider-style. A must for any serious hunter of the undead.

7) The Pussy Wagon – Kill Bill

Unique on this list as this car actually exists; it belongs to Quentin Tarantino now. However, without the film, no mortal would ever have created a car so ruthlessly without taste that it becomes an object of high art.

8) Bumblebee – Transformers

Much of the robot smackdownery of Transformers is rooted on the adolescent anthropomorphisation of a boy’s first car. As such, it is no wonder that this alien robot upgrades itself to the latest model Camaro, complete with Kill Bill theme tune; shoots a load of stuff up; helps the hero get the girl; and even chooses to stay on Earth as Shia Lebouf’s pet car instead of returning to space, incomprehensibly. Still, immature or not, every man would want a car like this as surely as every man wants a girlfriend like Megan Fox.

9) Grease Lightening – Grease

Why this car is automatic, it’s systematic, it’s hydromatic. Why, it’s grease lightning. We’ll get some overhead lifters and some four-barrel quads, oh yeah. A fuel injection cut-off and chrome-plated rods, oh yeah. With a four speed on the floor, they’ll be waiting at the door. You know that ain’t no sh*t, we’ll be getting lots of tit in Grease Lightning. Purple french tail lights and thirty inch fins, oh yeah. A Palomino dashboard and duel muffler twins, oh yeah. With new pistons, plugs, and shocks, I can get off my rocks. You know that I ain’t bragging, she’s a real pussy wagon: Grease lightning. Go, Grease Lightning, you’re burning up the quarter mile. Go, Grease Lighting, you’re coasting through the heat lap trial. You are supreme; the chicks’ll cream, for Grease Lightning.

You know, no matter how many times I watch it, I am always a little shocked by how graphic the language of Grease is for a classic family film….

10) Aston Martin DBS – Casino Royale

Last of all, I offer you exactly what I said I wouldn’t, a car that can actually be purchased almost as is; apart, of course, from a built-in defibrillator… that and it’s so beautiful…. look at it… before it smashes into a million tiny pieces….

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Wednesday Rewind: Shooter

What is the appeal behind snipers? We don’t get computer games about military engineers or films about explosives experts… well, aside from The Specialist…

Still, we love snipers; maybe it’s that little victory when a hidden, silent and disciplined soldier fires that single shot that ruins all the bad guys’ plans: a plot technique used in abundance during Shooter.
Mark Wahlberg is, of course, justly maligned for his distinct lack of acting talent, but his one-expression performance is pitch-perfect for this film’s unshakeable protagonist, who has the greatest name in the history of all action films: Bob Lee Swagger. Yes, this is a ‘redneck veteran versus the evils of society’ film in the style of Rambo and Commando.

The plot is largely nonsensical. Danny Glover does menacing far better than he ever did comic relief, as a spook who, along with his eeeevil henchman Elias Kotias, recruits reluctant-patriot Swagger to plan the perfect assassination in order to work out how best to avert an assassination attempt on the President. How could that go wrong?

You guessed it: Glover uses our hero’s plans to actually go for the President and then frames Swagger for it. Not that Swagger is that bothered; no, this is a personal matter; as Swagger puts it: “You don’t understand. These people killed my dog.” Yes, that is an actual line from the film – *joygasm*

So, Swagger teams up with junior FBI agent Michael Pena, his dead army buddy’s wife and love interest Kate Mara and Rhona Mitra who appears to only be in the film to act as a glamorous contrast to Mara’s girl-next-door sexiness; not that I would ever complain about Rhona Mitra being in a film….

Pena is another type of delight; mainly in that he is so absolutely nondescript. When you first catch a glimpse of him, you are convinced that he will be an extra, making it a wonderful surprise when he turns out to be our hero’s sidekick. I would say his performance steals the film, were it not for Rhona Mitra’s legs….

Kotias, Mitra, Glover, snipers and big, stupid, tongue-in-cheek action; this is a film that makes you morn the fact that Schwarzenegger is now The Governator and lacks the time to crack wise and fire rocket launchers.

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Monday Movie: How To Train Your Dragon

Kids’ films really are where it’s at, aren’t they? Hollywood has failed to come up with much for adults lately, raiding panel to panel from comics for inspiration. Meanwhile, kids’ films are going from strength to strength: G-Force taught Jerry Bruckheimer how to make good action films again; Harry Potter continues to make more money than all the other franchises combined; and Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs was a revelation. Next up, How To Train Your Dragon shows Clash Of The Titans how it’s done.

Dreamworks’ latest is based on an award-winning series of children’s books about a Viking dragon-rider, but casts out everything from the books with the exception of the previous, one-line synopsis and the unusually-Scottish flavour of Viking. Instead, we have some standard fair about learning to be yourself and earning your place in the world. It comes across like Eragon, only without the flagrant plagiarism and possessing a sense of fun.

The key is in the presentation. The film is beautiful; using simple spectacle to awe, rather than trying to advance the boundaries of animation and making us all rather nauseous in the process. Watching the titular dragons spiralling through clouds and diving under over-hanging cliffs reminds you of nothing short of Avatar in terms of presentation.

The standard plot is further enhanced by some fantastic vocal performances from Gerard Butler, who is quickly becoming an institution,and Ugly Betty’s America Ferrera; not to mention some rather off-colour humour. A gag about breast-plates will have you choking on your popcorn.

This, however, serves to be a problem: this is meant to be a kid’s film. Parents may find the humour goes a bit too far, not to mention some of the finer plot points. Hiccup the Viking’s final sacrifice is a bit much to deal with, given the film’s light tone. Also, the less-cute of the dragons had one child in the showing I saw crying and clutching her mother.

Yet again, this is a kid’s film with plenty for adults to enjoy, but not really something you’d take your kids to.

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Friday Feature: #Masterchef inspires The Five Best Movie Chefs

I’m sure all of our UK readers will be aware that this Wednesday saw the final of the Masterchef TV series and the crowning of Britain’s top amateur chef. In celebration, I present to you, the five best movie chefs:

1) Remy from Ratatouille

Pixar’s feel-good hit is all about the underdog; hence the plot, which features a rat becoming one of Paris’ top chefs. Nonetheless, that our hero Remy can not only cook in a kitchen that is vastly out of scale to him, but also while acting as puppeteer to a clueless garbage boy by tugging on his hair, shows that his talent cannot be dampened by adversity.

2) Vianne from Chocolat

It is a powerful chick-flick that can gain my respect and it is a master chef who can achieve every woman’s dream and snag Johnny Depp with her cooking. Yes, she may only be a chocolatier, but Binoche does make a whole chocolate-based meal, so she qualifies.

3) Chef from South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut

Anyone who can make chocolate, salty balls sound appetising is either a great chef, or a great singer. We may never know the truth of which Chef really was….

4) Casey Ryback from Under Siege

Yes, maybe, Seagal’s character’s actual cooking isn’t the point, but are you going to tell him he’s a bad chef? He would kick your smart ass back to the stone age… in a pacifist way….

5) Swedish Chef from The Muppet Movies

“Svedeesh Cheff poots sperm in yuoor bolls! Thet is my secret tu greet food. “

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Easter Monday Movie: Clash Of The Titans

So, another week, another unnecessarily three-dimensional event movie.

We all knew full-well from the outset that this remake of the Greek myth-plagiarising epic would pale in comparison to the timeless original, so it leaves the effects to outstrip Harryhausen and make this all worthwhile; fat chance.

Still, the new Kraken is not an awful creation, with more than a passing resemblance to Clover; Medusa is portrayed as beautiful for once; and the new Charon is actually pretty innovative. Likewise, Olympus and the gods have some nifty paraphernalia, and we even get a Bubo in-joke.

The CGI makeover may still lack the genius of Harryhausen, but it is actually quite well thought out. The cast is equally plaudible, with Sam Worthington delivering the goods as we are used to by now. Arterton stands around looking tasty in a peephole toga, while Neeson and Fiennes try to out-thesp each other in amusing bouts of scenery chewing.

The one thing lacking is actual characters. The joy of the original was in the time it took to build up a thorough back story for its heroes and villains, giving them plausible reasons to act as they do. The remake has not a moment for any of that wank, far too eager is it to skip to the big battle scenes to pause for such incidental things as character development.

Nevertheless, the film is enjoyable and has had a fair amount of thought and love put into it, which is more than most remakes can say. Worth a night out, but you’ll remember the original long after you forgot this ever existed.

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com

Good Friday Feature: 5 Best DVD Easter Eggs

I thought long and hard about what to do for this Easter special. I finally narrowed it down to The 5 Best Egg-related Scenes in Films or this; and I got stuck at four on the former. As such, we present a rundown of the best hidden extras on DVD:

1) X-Men – The Spider-man gag

How: Go to the special features menu and highlight ‘Theatrical Trailers & TV Spots’, then press left to highlight the rose symbol. Press enter.

What: Director Bryan Singer arranged this prank on his cast. The X-men boldly step forward only to realise they have been joined by Spider-man, who mumbles “Oops, wrong movie” and runs off. My favourite part of this is how James Marsden tries to chase him down.

2) Memento – Watching it forwards

How: Wait until the words “Memento Mori” have almost cleared off the screen and the picture of Guy Pearce almost takes up the entire screen, then hit enter.

What: So, you’ve marvelled at the slowly-unfolding plot and technical mastery of a film whose scenes are shown in reverse order; but once the effect has been achieved, all you want to do is watch it properly to see if it makes sense. The producers must have agreed because you can.

3) Star Wars: various special editions – Gag reel, et al

How: Go to the options menu and type 1138, as in THX1138

What: For the serious thesping that the cast of Star wars need to do in order to get through Lucas’ ‘unique’ dialogue, they sure spent a lot of time arsing about! Performing the above on the various special edition DVDs of the film will grant you anything from a gag reel to a hip-hop Yoda!

4) Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers – Gollum’s acceptance speech

How: Highlight Chapter 30 on the chapter select screen, then press down and enter.

What: A clip from the MTV Awards in which Andy Serkis attempts to accept an award for Best Visual Performance on behalf of Gollum, which Gollum does not take very well, leading to a sweary rant.

5) Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within – Thriller

How: Insert the bonus disk and select the ‘Highlights’ menu, then click up and right to go to a new menu; then hit up, followed by right twice to get to a small frame in the right hand corner; click it.

What: Unusual that, what is considered to be, a complete failure of a movie has perhaps the best Easter Egg of all time: a scene of the cast recreating Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Special thanks to the Easter Egg Archive and about.com for the reminders

This post was originally published at DayHWStoodStill.com